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The Catfish/Transcript
Jeremy: I hereby call this Thompson family meeting to order. Now, if you all please turn to slide one, you'll see that a third car can actually save the family money over the long run. Molly: Mine's just GIFs of baby porcupines eating corn on the cob. Jeremy: Because I already know your views on increasing our carbon footprint, so your presentation is just Best of Baby Animals. Molly: Oh. Good thinking. Jeremy: So, Mom, Dad, if you'll please turn to slide two, you'll see that my driving record under my learner's permit is blemish-free. :(doorbell rings) Ed: Did you hire character witnesses again? Liz: If that is your driver's ed teacher, he is not staying for dinner. Nick: Where were you? I've been waiting at the train station all day. Liz: Who are you? Nick: I'm Nick. Nicole? Nicole Patterson? I'm here to live with you. Liz: Okay, what? Nick: You didn't get the memo? Ed: Was this an actual or metaphorical memo? Nick: They said they called and emailed. (Nick sobs) Liz: Okay, okay, um, sweetie. Just tell us what happened. Nick: (gasps) What happened is... my parents... died in a car accident six months ago, and I've been in foster care until they could find some relatives, and then they said they found my dad's second cousin twice removed, or something, and you were supposed to pick me up at the train station. And you don't know what I'm talking about. And now I'll have to go back to foster care! Ed: Hey, hang on a second. Nobody's making you go anywhere. We'll get to the bottom of this. You just never clarified if the memo was real. Nick: Here's the letter from the state. And here's a picture of my great-grandma with, I guess, your grandma, or something. Ed: Oh, Grandma Liza! Nick: And they gave me this family tree. Oh God, this is a total nightmare! Liz: Okay, okay, let's take a deep breath. Molly, why don't you take... Nick: Nick! Liz/Ed: Nick. Liz: To get something to eat while we sort this out. Molly: Hi, I'm Molly. Do you like quinoa? Or is this more of an ice cream situation? --- Dorothy: Again, I'm so, so sorry about the mix-up, folks. I have got egg on my face. Liz: Oh, this is more than egg. This is a quiche. You quiched us. Ed: Mistakes happen. Don't beat yourself up about it. Bye-bye. Can you believe that this social services coordinator was coordinating with another Ed Thompson? I feel so generic! I wish I had a cool nickname. Nick: Ooh, how about Laser? Liz: No. Ed: Yes. Ed: (sighs) All right, well... this is, uh, quite a shock. We were literally caught with our pants down. Jeremy: That's literally not what literally means. Ed: Irregardless... we are problem solvers. We're gonna make this work. Nick: So where's my room? Ed: Well, that's a problem. I have no idea. Molly: Nick can stay with me in my room. Liz: Seriously? I'm not even allowed in your room. Molly: Come on, I'll show you where you can put your stuff and how to follow me on Snap and Insta. Not Facebook. Mom joined. --- Molly: So this is going to be our room. That sofa pulls out into a bed. But don't worry, it's more comfortable than it looks. Nick: You are being so nice to me. I really appreciate this. Molly: Hey, I care about helping people. It's kind of my thing. Nick: My thing is watching old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, but I like your thing, too. Molly: You can put your stuff here, and the Wi-Fi is "ThompsonsRule!" All one word, cap T, cap R, exclam. I know. Nick: Hey, can I take a shower or something? I haven't changed my clothes in, like, two days. Molly: Wow, that's super real. The bathroom's in through there. Nick: Thanks... for everything. :(phone beeps) Nick: I'm in. :(theme music playing) Molly: I really like her. Jeremy: Of course you like her. She's an orphan. Your friend Becky is going to be so jealous. You must be tired of her hogging all the attention with her brother's tumor. Molly: I don't care what Becky thinks. Jeremy: Hey. Maybe you can dress Nick up like a hobo and take selfies down at the dump. So, she's staying? Liz: (sighs) I'm just gonna say what your father and I are both thinking. Nick can't stay here. Ed: Wait, what? That's not what I was thinking. I was thinking the exact opposite. Liz: Are you serious? Because you're talking about raising another child, like, forever. Ed: Not forever. Just 'til she's been with us long enough to need therapy. Liz: That sounds like a worthy goal, but I'm a little busy right now, you know, with the cookbook and the restaurant. And, don’t forget about the auditions for Top Chef coming up. Molly: Believe me, no one can forget because you talk about it all the time. Jeremy: Guys. Mom's got a point. I mean, she's just being realistic here. Liz: Exactly. Look, I get that Nick's situation is sad. Jeremy: Super sad. Liz: So sad. But why does that have to make our situation sad? Molly: Because she's family. Jeremy: She's such a distant relative, we could legally get married. Molly: Um, ew. Ed: So what, you just wanna kick her out? Liz: No. No. No one's saying kick her out. I'm just saying, why does she have to stay... here? Ed: I'll tell you why she has to stay here. Because she's a child who needs us. Do I want another kid? No, I don't even want these two. Just a joke, guys. I love you so much, so much, but the point is... that she's my second cousin, and she's already been removed twice. We can't do it to her a third time. Liz: Yeah, I don't think that's what that means. Ed: It doesn't matter. We can't kick her out on the street. That's not who we are. Jeremy: (sighs) Dad's right. We have to do the right thing here. I vote she stays. Liz: This isn't a reality show. You don't get to vote her on or off the island. Ed: Everyone's opinion matters. And thank you, Jeremy. I'm glad to see you coming around on this. Liz: Yeah, you know, me too. Because raising a child is expensive and we'll have to make sacrifices. And first to go will be that new car you wanted. You know, and for the record, I was gonna say yes. Jeremy: Seriously? I change my vote. I change my vote. I vote for the car. Molly: You can't change your vote. Liz: Wait. This is a tie, and the tie goes to the runner. Jeremy: What does that even mean? --- Sheri: So does she want Spanish or French? Liz: You can give her Klingon for all I care. This is just temporary. Sheri: So Spanish? Nick: Wow. Looks like you're kind of a big deal around here. Jeremy: Yeah, I know. Molly: Slow your roll. You're sophomore class rep, not King of the North. Liz: Nick, sweetie... I know this is a difficult situation, and you could probably use some sort of inspirational speech right now. So... hold onto your dreams and... reach for the stars... and seize the day. Okay. Bye. --- Nick: So Jeremy's kind of full of himself. Molly: Totally. He even keeps a future resume on his phone to remind him of all the things he needs to accomplish by the time he's 35. Spoiler alert, he becomes president. Nick: Well, he doesn't seem to like me. I guess he just doesn't want some sketchy foster kid living in his house. Molly: Hey, just because you haven't been afforded the same opportunities we have, doesn't make you sketchy. Nick: Oh, my God, it means so much to hear you say that. I can really tell you care. Molly: That's my gift. Nick: Well, I wish everyone saw it that way. Think you could talk to Jeremy for me? Molly: I totally would, honest, but Jeremy only cares about Jeremy. Sorry. Big news, everyone. This is Nick. She's come to live with us because... her parents died in a car crash. :(shocked gasps) Xuan: So you're like... a for real orphan? Nick: Uh... yeah, I guess so. Tamika: Wow. Molly: Nick'll want to join our volunteer squad. Nick: Your what? Molly: We volunteer at soup kitchens, hospitals, old folks' homes. Tamika: We're kind of Insta-famous. Nick: Wow. You guys are super woke. Xuan: Totally. Becky: Oh, wow, Molly. I just noticed. You're wearing a top from a major trans-national corporate retailer. Molly: I am? Becky: We're only shopping at Helping the Homeless Thrift Stores now. You know, #childlabor. Nick: Actually, Helping the Homeless only donates nine percent of its profits to the homeless. Its CEO lives in Aspen. And true fact, supporting clothes manufacturers in developing nations lifts millions out of poverty every year. Becky: (stammers) I knew that. :(school bell rings) Molly: You know what? I'll talk to Jeremy and see what I can do. Ms. Lee: Okay, people, let's take out your chloroform and prepare to anesthetize your frogs. Molly: Stand with me to save the frogs! What do we want? Becky/Xuan/Tamika: Animal rights! Molly: When do we want it? Becky/Xuan/Tamika: Now! --- Jeremy: Point of order, I move we table this and send it to committee. You're not supposed to be in here. Student council members only. We're trying to pass a critical dance budget. Molly: Spotify and five bucks worth of streamers... Problem solved. Now come talk in the hallway. Jeremy: Don't underestimate the work we do on student council. It's for the benefit of the whole school. Molly: Says the dictator who canceled our meals on wheels program. Jeremy: Because the insurance was cost-prohibitive. They could've all come to the ice cream social if you hadn't staged a protest. Molly: Because ice cream isn't fair to the lactose intolerant. And, uh, speaking of intolerant, why are you being such a jerk to Nick? Jeremy: There's something weird about that girl. Molly: You're just being judgmental. Besides, Dad said everything was legit. Jeremy: I'm not buying it. Girls don't just show up on your doorstep. Molly: Well, not yours. Admit it, all you care about is getting your stupid car. Which, by the way, is killing our planet, thank you very much. Jeremy: And all you care about is your social media blowing up because your latest pet project happens to be a human. Molly: That's offensive. I care about making the world a better place. Becky's the one turning everything into a competition. (Molly sighs) Look, promise me you'll try and be nice to Nick. Jeremy: The only thing I can promise you is I'm gonna find out what's really going on with her. Where is your new best friend, anyway? Dorothy: So, how did you like my performance yesterday? Nick: Well, to be honest, Dorothy, it was a bit sloppy. What if they figured out that you and Sam are my real foster parents? Your pictures are online in the state database. Sam: Well, obviously, they didn't look. Nick: But you could've at least worn a disguise. Dorothy: My disguise was a pantsuit. Sam: It's true. She never wears those. Listen... How's the plan going? Nick: Good. They don't suspect anything. Sam: They better not, after all the money we spent on the documents. You know how much a fake court order costs? Nick: Yeah. I can get one in an hour for 30 bucks. Sam: Oh. That would've saved me $500! Dorothy: It still seems like it's an awful lot of effort just to rob a random family. Nick: Really, it's too much effort for a $50,000 score? They have two high-end cars, jewelry, watches, silverware. And with me on the inside, there's no messy break-in, no alarms, no surprises. Dorothy: Okay, okay, so how do you plan to knock 'em out? Nick: Don't worry. Leave it to me. I'll let you know when I'm ready. Sam: You're already ready. In and out, easy-peasy. That's the plan. Nick: I'm on the inside, so I'' make the call. And we clean them out when ''I say so. And can I borrow 20 bucks? You would not believe what they charge for a latte at this school. --- Liz: Okay, listen up, people. We are doing the orecchiette with a pork fennel sausage tonight. The special is a brown-sugar ricotta and egg raviolo. Okay, we open in two hours, so get busy cooking or... All except Nick: Get busy collecting unemployment. Liz: Nick, what are you doing here? Nick: Well, back at the foster home, all the kids had to pull their weight. So I thought I could help out. I know my way around restaurants. Liz: That is so thoughtful slash depressing. But thanks, I've got everything under control here. Does that look like fennel to you? I'm sorry, I'm obviously too busy to babysit. :(shattering) Liz: Is everyone here completely incompetent? Cut that. Wow, that's impressive. Where did you learn to do that? Nick: I was a cocktail waitress in Vegas for a couple years. Kidding. I told you, I have some experience in restaurants. Besides, I like working. It makes me feel... useful. Liz: Okay, I guess we could use some help around here. But if the child labor people show up, you are 18. --- :(shutter clicks) :(door rattles) Nick: Oh, hey. How was your day? Ed: What do you mean? Nick: I don't know, isn't that like a standard question kids ask their dad? Ed: Maybe in 1955, but not my kids. Nick: Well, their loss. Ed: Actually... to tell you the truth, I did have quite a day. You see, so I'm a senior loan officer at a bank, I have to decide who to give loans to. Nick: That sounds really interesting. Ed: It does? Nick: Yeah, I mean, don't you get all sorts of fascinating people coming into your bank all the time? Ed: Actually, yes, I do. Nick: And they must have all kinds of stories to tell, trying to buy a house or start a business. If you think about it, you're kind of in the dream business... making people's dreams come true. Ed: Wow. You really get me. Nick: It's just, my dad got a loan to start a business once. He worked hard his whole life, and I remember when I was, I don't know, maybe just like four or five... he came home one night with a big cake with white frosting and these little pink flowers on top. You should have seen the look in his eye. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was proud. And so was I. Ed: Yeah. I've seen that look many times. There's one lady who wants to open a yoga studio. She-- :(cell phone beeps) Nick: Can you hold that thought? I've gotta answer this message about my... math homework. Ed: Don't worry about it. I'm terrible at math, and I work at a bank. That's what calculators are for. Jeremy: Oh, good. You got my text. So, what's your real name? Nick: Nicole Patterson is my real name. Jeremy: Then, uh, who's Nicole Masipag? Nick: That's also my name. After my parents died... I sometimes used my mom's last name. I don't know why. I guess I just wanted something to remember her by. What gives you the right to go through my stuff? Jeremy: Well, technically, it's Molly's room, so you have no real expectation of privacy here. Nick: Why do you hate me so much? Jeremy: I don't hate you. I just don't trust you. Nick: Hey, I get it. You're obviously super-smart, in a serial killer kind of way. Jeremy: Uh, thanks? Nick: And you're a natural leader. So you think it's your job to protect everyone. But you don't have to worry about me. I'm not trying to cause a disturbance in the Force. Sorry. I saw your Star Wars pajamas in the laundry. Jeremy: You're smooth. You're a lot smarter than you seem. Nick: Wow. Rude. Look, I know this isn't just about me ruining that new car for you. Maybe you're just afraid of sharing everything else you do have with someone you don't know. Jeremy: I don't know what you're up to, but I'm gonna find out. Nick: I'm not up to anything. I'm just a girl who needs a family. Okay? Are we good? Jeremy: Oh, we're far from good... Nick. :(phone beeps) Nick: Dorothy, it's me. I'm pulling the trigger. Tell Sam tonight's the night I knock them out. I'll text you when they're unconscious. I don't care if it's Armed Forces Week on Wheel of Fortune! Just record it! --- Ed: So... how was your day? Liz: What do you mean? Ed: That's exactly what I said when Nick asked me. Man. Is it possible that we are so self-absorbed we don't even recognize it when someone takes an interest in our lives? Liz: Well, I'm glad you and your little ward had some time for a tête-à-tête, but I've been trying to get dinner ready. I could use a little help. Ed: Yeah, Nick's got me thinking. I mean... sometimes I feel like we are strangers living in the same house. I mean, shouldn't... shouldn't we care more about the little things? Liz: Yeah, that sounds great, but I don't know how to make that happen. Ed: Neither do I, but maybe we can figure it out. Remember, we're a team. You're the brain, I'm the heart. Together, we make the Thompson body run like clockwork. Liz: Yeah, but why do I always have to be the brain? Ed: What's wrong with the brain? Being the brain is a compliment. Liz: Well, sometimes I wanna be the heart. You know, the heart is the fun job. Everyone loves the heart. Nobody likes the brain, 'cause the brain makes you do your homework and empty the dishwasher, while the heart gets to go out for ice cream and take in stray children. :(doorbell rings) Liz: I'll get it. It'd better not be another stray child. Nick: Thanks. Liz: What's this? Nick: It's called "pizza." It's Italian for "food." Liz: I know you're used to fending for yourself, but I made dinner. Jeremy: Mm! What's the special occasion? Molly: Did someone die? Liz: No, it's Nick's first real dinner with us. Nick: You did this all for me? You don't eat together every night? Liz: Hell no. But, you know, if you just wanna to eat your pizza in your room, that's fine. I mean, I cooked my signature osso buco risotto, and I am a professional chef, but if you just want gas-station-quality pizza-- Nick: No. I'm sorry. It's just, I haven't had a family meal since... Well, a long time. Anyway... this looks nice. Thank you. Ed: You know, that's not a bad idea. Maybe Mom could cook dinner for us every night. And then we could eat together, you know, as a family. Liz: (sarcastically) Sure, no problem. Ed: Or what if we took, like, a family cooking class? You could literally teach us how to cook and we could take turns making the dinners. Liz: That actually sounds kind of fun. Molly: Cool. Jeremy: And Dad used "literally" the right way. Ed: So how was your first day of school? Nick: Pretty good. I stole the driver's ed. car, and got a whole three blocks before they brought me down with a spike strip. Molly: She's kidding. You're kidding, right? Jeremy: It's so hard to tell what's real and what's made up with you, Nick. Nick: Speaking of which, I heard Jeremy was hoping to get a new car when he gets his license. Jeremy: Until you showed up, and we had to make sacrifices. Nick: Well, about that, I had a thought. I'm working at Liz's restaurant after school now. Ed: Wait, what? Liz: Surprise. This girl can carry a freakish amount of cannelloni. We'll talk later. Nick: So maybe you could get a job, too, and buy your own car. Jeremy: Wait, like a, like a "job" job, where I have to do stuff people don't wanna do? Liz: This sounds like a pretty good solution. Ed: It's really smart, Nick. Jeremy: (sarcastically) Thank you so much. Nick: You deserve it. This calls for a celebration. I saw some sparkling cider in the fridge. I hope that's okay. Liz: Sure, sounds nice. Nick: Let me go get it. Liz: Nick, do you need any help? Nick: No, I'm good. Nick: Well, here's to my new family. Ed: Wait! I want to say something. I know you've only been here a little while, Nick, but I feel like you coming to us, this is happening for a reason. Nick: Oh, it's definitely happening for a reason. Ed: No, I mean, maybe this is exactly what we all need, you know, to shake things up, make us realize how much we love each other. Nick: I'll drink to that. Liz: Wait. I want to say something, too. I'll admit that I was unsure about you living with us, but I was wrong. You know, you kids could learn from this girl, 'cause she has faced hardship, and that has given her character. Nick: Thank you. Should we drink to that? Molly: Wait. I want to say something, too. I know you all know that helping people's my thing. Jeremy: As long as everyone hears about it. Molly: But I... feel like Nick is the one helping me. She's like the sister I never had. Nick: Wow. That's actually really sweet. So... drink? Jeremy: Wait. I want to say something, too. I guess, I'll admit, I was also unsure about Nick. Am unsure. But at the same time, I don't know... if I'm being honest with myself, maybe I really am just afraid of sharing what I've got. Because the truth is... I do have a lot. Ed: Now, let's drink to that. Nick: Wait! I'm sorry. It's just... you guys don't realize how lucky you are to have each other. I guess it's not until you lose your family that you realize that... family is everything. And even if you don't always get along, or you get on each other's nerves, just knowing that your family is there... somehow it just makes everything better. Molly: Now let's drink before somebody else makes a speech. Nick: No, wait! :(shattering) Liz: What the hell was that? Nick: I just saw a Band-Aid... in the bottle of cider... A used Band-Aid. I'm sorry. I'll clean this up. Just stay right here. :(glasses clatter) :(phone beeps) Sam: Well? Nick: It's not the right time, Sam. Sam: What do you mean, it's not the right time? We're down the street in a U-Haul. Nick: I just jumped the gun on calling it. But the truth is, we need to be patient here. We can get a lot more than 50 grand if we play this right. Sam: How much more? Nick: How does a million sound? Ed works at a bank. I can get passwords, account information. And Liz owns a restaurant. There's cash just lying around. I saw it with my own eyes. So let's not be stupid. This is a long con. Why jump at the easy money when we can take the whole enchilada? Sam: You better be right. Nick: Trust me. (sighs) Who wants some gas-station-quality pizza? --- Nick: Don't worry about Sam and Dorothy. I can put them off as long as I need to. Trust me. They have no idea this isn't a random family. Well, I'd better go. I don't want them to get suspicious. (chuckles) You stay safe, too. I know, I know. I love you, too, Dad. Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts